Dark of the Mind
by Kibuka
Summary: A memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape."-John Lancaster Spalding


Authors Note: I've never been satisfied with the development of Inuyasha as a character. In my opinion they don't properly flesh out his psychological aspects. This is a character who's entire life was plagued with trauma, the most important and definitive of which was the death of his mother. I haven't read much of the manga and have only watched about half of the episodes so I'm not an expert on it. But I don't think the circumstances surrounding his mothers death have ever been explained. While they haven't fully explained it I'm lead to believe it was a tragic occurrence that happened in Inuyasha's childhood and that he perhaps witnessed it. If so, then such an event would most assuredly have caused sever mental trauma.

A Tall White Mocha Production

Each of us bears his own hell.

Virgil

Inuyasha woke with a choked gasp; nearly tumbling from his perch atop a particularly high tree branch in the process. Righting himself with an impressive show of strength and agility, he settled back against the trunk and let out a tired sigh.

The dream. He really should be used to it by now. After all he'd been dreaming it _every night_…since he was a child. Every night waking up alone with a scream trapped in his throat. Every night he found himself there, hate and rage boiling in his veins, and they just laughed. Always laughing as his world died and everything he held dear, dissolved into chaos.

And all he wanted to do was stop the death, stop the fear, and stop the pain. So why was it that he was never able to succeed? No matter how many times he revisited that horrible night he was never able to stop _them_. They weren't high-level demons: just ordinary _humans_. Normal men he could chew up and spit out without working up a sweat. But then, how could ordinary men have done what they did? How could ordinary men destroy a world?

Rubbing his tired and bloodshot eyes did little to alleviate the bone deep weariness he felt. Red and slightly puffy as they were, Inuyasha could feel the beginnings of bags forming under his eyes. The lack of quality sleep was starting to take its toll on him. Even he couldn't go without sleep for very long. Not for the first time he wondered if he'd ever sleep an entire night through without memories of that night exploding across his psyche. What he'd give for just one night of uninterrupted sleep.

Running a clawed hand through his sweat slicked hair he grimaced at the soaked mess and the sweat on his brow. A quick sniff confirmed that the rest of his body was similarly drenched. He made a mental note to bathe and wash his clothes before he joined the others.

But not quite yet. First, he needed to slow his still quick beating heart and ease the turmoil in his mind. Leaning his head back against the trunk of the Goshinboku, Inuyasha closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the spring morning air. Thoughts and emotions, faces and places past and present all raced across his mind. There was no order just chaos as they whipped across his psyche in a maelstrom of emotion Reaching into his haori Inuyasha pulled out the only thing he had found that would calm him.

It was a square of red cloth, a scarf as Kagome called it, from her school uniform. It looked ordinary enough but to him it was far from. What made it special was the fact that it was Kagome's scarf. Even though Inuyasha had pilfered the item months ago, her scent still clung heavily to the fabric. For whatever reason, her scent alone could calm his mind and ease the pain his dreams dredged up. It was a simple comfort in a world with so few.

Bringing the scarf up to his nose, he inhaled the scent that was undeniably _hers_. Freshly bloomed wildflowers, soaps, and as much as it could have a smell, sunshine. Almost instantly he could feel the calming affects of her scent as it spread its gentle tendrils through his mind. Smothering the chaos and turmoil like earth over an open flame. Leaving in its wake a calm and contented feeling he had not known since he was a small child. Not since…no, it was better not to travel down that path.

Letting the hand that held the scarf fall into his lap, Inuyasha let out a weary sigh as he stared absently at his surroundings. The first rays of sunlight were just beginning to peek out from the horizon; pushing back the vale of night in its never-ending cycle of renewal. He knew if he wanted to get cleaned up, he needed to do it soon. It wouldn't be long before the nearby village would come alive and then it would be hard to find a private spot to bathe. Not that he cared all that much about modesty, it was just too awkward to bathe with the other villagers. Accepted though he was they were still from very different worlds. Besides, it was nice to have the time alone.

But he just couldn't seem to find the energy to move. He felt drained, like he'd spent the entire day traveling under a blistering sun. It was the dreams he knew. They always left him feeling tired upon waking. But that usually only lasted a few minutes.

Of course that was when _she _was here. Kagome. Her presence always alleviated the fatigue caused by the dreams, all he had to do upon waking was drink in her presence and it was like water to a thirsty man. But when she was gone it was hell.

Her scent-laden scarf took care of the unsettling emotions raised by the dreams but it did nothing for the fatigue that accompanied those emotions. A growl of frustration vibrated in his throat as his fist convulsively clenched around the scarf. It was never like this in the past, before the jewel. Before Kikyo and Naraku's treachery, before the girl from the future and the jewels shattering. The dreams had never left him feeling so weak. He'd always been able to suck it up and deal. A brisk run through the countryside or a dip in an ice cold stream were all he needed to push the dreams and weariness to the back of his mind.

But since he'd met Kagome, she had become a crutch he relied on far too much, and when she was gone it took entirely too much effort to stay balanced on his own.

It was the real reason he objected so much to her going back to her time. Everyone thought it was because he was impatient to gather all the shards and defeat Naraku. Granted it was the reason he was always citing when he argued with her about going home; but it wasn't the real reason. It was because he knew it would be hell while she was away. He'd feel like shit, take it out on everyone else, alienate them, and then feel even more like shit for doing so. It was a nasty cycle he couldn't brake and he hated it.

And she had been gone longer than usual this time. She was normally only gone for three days or so. More time than he was happy with but he could deal with it. But this time Kagome had declared that she'd be spending at least two whole weeks preparing for an important test for that damned school of hers and she'd have no arguments. He'd made such a protest that she'd ended up sitting him rather viciously and stormed off towards the well in one of the worst moods he'd ever seen her in.

It had been 8 days since then and it was starting to take its toll on him. He didn't know how much longer he could keep the others from noticing. Shippou was already giving him weird looks and that damn monk was way to perceptive for his own good. The others had already noticed that he didn't fight as well when she was gone. He knew they weren't stupid, it wouldn't take much for them to put things together.

He'd thought about spending a few nights with Kagome in her time but he wasn't sure how mad she still was at him and he didn't relish the sits she'd dish out if she was still upset. And he wasn't sure if he could hide his presence from her; she had become a lot better at picking up energy signatures. She'd become especially adept at picking out his presence in particular.

He let out a low chuckle; he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.

Massaging the bridge of his nose in annoyance, Inuyasha let out a disgusted sigh. Though today being what it was it was really a mute point. The new moon. He hated the new moon, it left him weak and vulnerable. Because of this, he'd been staying those nights with Kagome in her time where he was safe in his human form. He could already feel his youki diminishing and the stirring of his dormant human blood. All of which was only adding to the weariness he was feeling. His human body was far to limiting for his liking.

That's not to say he was defenseless as a human, he wouldn't have survived for as long as he had if that were the case. Though he liked to avoid confrontation, he would fight if he had to. He could handle most human threats and even take care of low and some medium class demons. It was the more powerful variety that worried him. Against demons like Kouga and his brother he was as defenseless as any other human. Miroku was powerful for a monk but he was still bound by human limitations. Even Tajiya like Sango and her kin couldn't handle demons that powerful.

And unfortunately those were the only kinds of demons they seemed to attract these days. Their group and quest was well known all across the land and so too was the knowledge that they had in their position quite a few shards of their own; more than enough incentive for power hungry demons to try and take them. Though low bread demons had learned to leave them well enough alone, leaving only the more powerful demons to guard against.

Frowning in thought he considered another piece of information. Inuyasha, the Monk and the Tajiya had noticed a pattern to the attacks awhile ago. It seemed that the demons only attacked when he and or Kagome where present, figuring he guessed, that where one was the other wasn't too far. After all what protector would let the protectee out of their sight? Inuyasha let out a huff at that thought. Someone should tell that to the wench; the damn girl was more stubborn than he was if that was at all possible.

None of that changed the facts any though. As a human he was more a liability than a asset to the others, and despite the attitude he presented, he considered them his friends and didn't want them to get hurt because of him. So when the sun set he'd be in Kagome's time and all he could do was hope she wasn't still angry at him. He didn't know if he'd survive a sit in his human form.

Now if he could only gather the energy to move.


End file.
